Friday, November 23, 2012

Am I Who I'm Truly am?

I've been talking to my friends lately. And I just realise that I was actually afraid to get into this relationship stuff. As more I think about it, the scar from the past are showing up. And somehow I am afraid that I might end up in the same situation again. Where I will be abandon and be alone where nobody will understand me because of the mask I am wearing. I am not seeking for pities. All I want was to understand who I truly am.

There is a commitment needed to make in order to have a relationship. Either you need to make sacrifices or keep on with the habits of yours and let the relationship break. I admit that I have been in a lot of relationship before. But somehow the relation doesn't last long. It is because I can't commit into those relationship. You might say that I am young but after the history in my family I somehow tend to heal myself and keep on walking. It needs tons of courage. Who would want to find that one day when they wake up and their parents wasn't there and all left was the blurry memories. 

Particularly, I was always in a relationship but there is no real feeling pour into it. It was like a car without gas. No matter how long you've waited it won't move on. That is how I was. I can't move on from the past. Somehow I did seek the professional advice, it helps for a while but somehow it wasn't for a life time. Every time I ended the relationship it would just leave a new impression on how does this thing work and how awful was it. But to be truth I was just too afraid to left go on something that are important to me. As love will someday fade away.

Yeah right. All those people who know me or knew me, they know/knew me as a happy-go-lucky girl with no problems. Someone who laugh all day long. It was like fear of getting rejected in an interview but we still go on with it. Being with others might make me feel like I was somehow needed and someone who can just trust this relationship at least once. But I realise that I can't. Who would think of the scar, the pain while be with someone that you're dating with?

I want to wear a smile which came from my heart. But I just don't want to be trapped in the world which was created by other. I wanted to break-free. I want to live my dreams. I don't care if I am broke, uneducated or jobless. But I want to be able to get out from my comfort zone and move on and leave the past behind.

I seek growth daily to grow hearts. I understand if I don't grow, learn new skill, make new friends, I stay in my old self which I do not want. Only opening my heart then I could see a bigger world. Learn more skill & make more great friends and touch more hearts and inspire some to make dreams come true. 
-Joshua Lim
He said that we are not always the same person but we need to open up our heart and accept changes and to be changed.

I am a dreamer. I can't tell lies about what I want to be the most. I want to be someone who can walk off the past and someone who can smile freely as there is no more tomorrow. I want to help those who are facing the same problem as mine. I want to be able to change myself and be someone who can get into others life and make their life better. And I've waken up from the life I've been in right now. By someone who inspired me, someone who understand people like us, Dreamer!

I tend to think that that was just a dream since dream are created from our imagination where there is no limit. But he inspired me. He make me believe that there is a future for dreamer. He makes me want to give upon my current life which was terribly messed up. You might say that I was living a good life. But what was a good life where you don't actually enjoy being in it but feel pressure and stressed about it.

I've think about it these days about what I really want and who I truly wanted to be. There is no parents that want their child to be a lay-back. But somehow my heart want me to follow what my dream want. I don't want to just study and later find a job and sitting in a office whole day-long and went back home. Keep on repeating the cycle somehow wasn't who I am. I want to live a free-spirit life.

I am a skin disease patient somehow it does affect my life, how people look on me. But I don't care more. Because I realise that there are other people in this world who facing another problem which is more complicated than mine. And I will keep on a smile while other asking me about it because I believe that was a gift from GOD. And I am grateful that GOD has been with me all this time as well as keep on having me even though I was once lost.

I believe in GOD. And I will do what my heart told me because I believe GOD will plan my future for me. Amen.

I dare to DREAM and I dare to MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Credit to Joshua Lim for inspiring me.

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